The Pioneer Way for Parents
Dear Hill-Murray Community,
As I get older, I think about how crazy it is that I have spent the last 28 years in schools – where did the time go? I was a counselor and teacher for the first ten years, and for the past 18 years, I have been in school leadership. I feel a bit like an anthropologist as I have been able to observe hundreds of children grow up. I have also watched hundreds of parents adapt to raising their children, and how their different styles have influenced the students entering my school doors daily.
Becoming a parent made me a better teacher, and now, as a parent of a 22-year-old, it has been such a gift to watch my little boy grow into a young man figuring out his way in life. Really, there is nothing better than watching your child grow into the person they are meant to be. While it is rewarding to see my son make his way, I have to admit that it was not always easy. Parenting is not for the faint of heart. It has brought me to my knees over the years. It is becoming clearer to me that a network of support and love is critical as we wrap our arms around our children. As a Catholic school, we have such a great gift in the partnership with parents. We share the endeavor of helping our young people learn and grow – let’s make the most of this opportunity.
We talk a lot about the Pioneer Way for our students and I would like to introduce my thoughts on the Pioneer Way for Parents – something we will build upon with the Pioneer Institute for Health and Wellness. We have described the Pioneer Way as a path that goes boldly into the future, guided by our values and illuminated by the light of Christ. It is a path that meets the needs of the students God has entrusted to our care and provides them with the skills, mindsets, and values that enable them to become the leaders our world needs. The Pioneer Way for Parents is our shared commitment to supporting each other, sharing our values, and “comparing notes” about how we can provide our students with the very best experience during the middle and high school years so they are positioned to become their best self.
The goal for us as a school – and as parents and teachers – is that we try to foster in our children and teenagers the things that matter. Things like integrity, resilience, faith, passion, commitment, optimism, kindness, respect, discipline, and a desire for excellence – all grounded in purpose. We want our young people to know and believe they are a child of God, created in His likeness and image with infinite value and worth. We cannot do this alone; it is a shared responsibility.
As someone who has spent the majority of her career around pre-teens and teenagers, I have a lot to say about what I believe our young people need from the adults in their lives. So here are my initial thoughts on ways Hill-Murray parents can join me in the Pioneer Way.
- Encourage independence. The earlier, the better! For most of us as parents, letting go is not our strong suit. We desperately want our students to succeed, and it can be painful to see them struggle. The trick is that the struggle, under our guidance, is the magic that helps our students gain confidence and, ultimately, succeed. Resist the temptation to fix a problem for them right away. Instead, ask them about their thoughts on how to approach the problem. Intervening too quickly only delays maturity and growth for the child, and does not allow them to develop the skills that build confidence and resilience. Yes, it may be a struggle for them, which can be hard to watch. But please remember that every time you allow your child to solve an issue or problem on their own, you are investing in their future. I often see students who have been so protected that their maturity level and ability to deal with common issues of middle and high school is not only delayed but has yet to be developed. Don’t get me wrong; I am not saying that you would never intervene in a problem your child is facing. I am suggesting that we not be afraid to support our young people as they struggle while developing skills in advocating for themselves and problem-solving on their own.
- How you show up matters. I often have had some of the most anxious parents (in their parenting styles) tell me that their teenagers are filled with anxiety and perfectionistic tendencies. As parents, the goal is that we are raising our little birds who will confidently be able to fly away from our nests. If you are raising a teenager who is overly dependent on your constant presence or consults with you on every little detail of life, let me tell you, things are not going to go well or change much when they fly the nest at 18. I often see very smart and intelligent parents raising highly dependent children who struggle with healthy boundaries. They are always watching us as adults. If we overreact or blow things out of proportion, it only serves to create more anxiety for the child. When something goes wrong, and it will, stay calm and talk it through with your child. Remind them that they have the skill and ability to work through issues and challenges. Support them in a positive way now so that when they are on their own, they will be equipped to handle what comes their way. Remember that one of the goals of healthy parenting is to raise confident young people who will eventually not need you to be physically or virtually present around the clock. Our kids need to understand clearly that we love them regardless of who they are or what they accomplish – let them see that in you.
- Have fun with your kids. Even if it means making plans that would not be your first choice, like watching a particular movie, attending a sporting event or playing a video game. Remember, a teenager who feels a positive connection with their parent(s) is less likely to engage in risk-taking behaviors that may threaten their good relationship with their parents. When parents and teenagers do not enjoy each other, teens have no reason to avoid annoying or upsetting their parents. Put another way, risky behavior comes at no cost to the teenager because there is no positive relationship to preserve. Find ways to laugh with your kid. Look at how ironic life can be and seek out the joy!
- Develop a network of support. You are not alone. Sometimes, our natural tendency is to hide the chaos and ensure nobody knows how crazy our home life can be. As someone who taught teenagers for many years, I had no idea how hard it would be to be a parent of a teenager. So often, when our kids are younger, we reach out for support from other parents as they hit the milestones. Just as important is to have a network of friends to rely on as you parent your teenager. Believe me, it can be scary to parent a teenager – even one who is thriving. Get to know the parents of your kids’ friends! How? Keep an eye on the Happenings Newsletter and join in the different school-sponsored events for parents, attend the games, join the HM book study on The Anxious Generation, or save the date for the next parent speaker series event on Wednesday, November 20th at 6:00 PM- Cindra Kampoff, Beyond Grit. Do not hesitate to reach out to our guidance and counseling office as a significant partner. Our staff is an excellent resource and another point of support. Do not be afraid to share information with the counselors; we share the common goal of wanting the best for your child.
These are some of my initial thoughts. As we continue this year, I would be interested in what you think about parenting teenagers in the Pioneer Way. Whether you are an alum, current parent, former parent, or a grandparent of a teenager – what wisdom can you contribute? If you would like to share your thoughts about parenting a teenager or tips for The Pioneer Way for Parents, please drop me a note here!
Sincerely,
Melissa Dan
Hill-Murray School President